Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
You can't motorboat a personality
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
