it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
