dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
