I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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