I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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