the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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