My cat gives me a boner
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
That accounts for only three of the penises
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
