when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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