An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
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