Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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