It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
