he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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