dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
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