Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
