can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
