Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
