Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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