I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
PANTIES FOUND
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
