Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
