at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
