Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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