Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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