When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
