All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
