I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
