Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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