y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
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