At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
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