Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
