Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Randomize
