Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
