Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
