Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
