when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
