Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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