I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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