my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Randomize
