im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
