I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
