im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
