if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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