my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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