How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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