whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
