I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
