i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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