We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
