Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
