saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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