I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
